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I am watching the city from its highest point, gazing the crowds. Like little ants, they desperately seek for their job, as they don’t know what their destination is.

I do.

No one likes talking about it… when you look at nature you know, eventually, everything dies.

@

“Look into those blue eyes and you tell me there’s no life left in there! YOU TELL ME!”

“Mister Castles, I’m sorry to tell you but there’s really nothing we ca..”

“BULL-SHIT!”

I was lying in the hospital.

A year ago I started getting headaches, my memory started to leave needle holes in it and the doctors said it was stress.

A month ago I started coughing blood, I couldn’t speak as well as I used to and the doctors said it might be something bout my stomach.

After some examinations, random events of vomiting blood and spending a whole month away from home, the doctors finally made their conclusion. It was no stress, it wasn’t my stomach, it was cancer. In my brains.

Another three months or so of chemo and other treatments have lead to nothing, making me an official terminal cancer patient. Another one that couldn’t win “her bold struggle” against this diseasese. Ugh.

Needless to say, my dad was devestated and in denial. The thought of losing his only child, his brightest star, to the same disease he lost his wife, my mother, to was too much to bear.

@ 

“I’m sorry, but I don’t want to be a part of this anymore.”

“But why? WHY? Just give me one reason why you should leave me.”

“You’re behaving weird lately. And the coughing, I don’t get it. It doesn’t ha..”

“I AM NOT ON DRUGS! I DON’T SMOKE!”

I was running across the street, at this point still trying to halt my soon to be EX boyfriend.

“Don’t say you don’t believe me. You know I wouldn’t lie to you!”

“I’m sorry, but… I don’t. I can’t do this, I need to get out. Now.”

A year ago, we met at a mutual friend’s party, he was trying to be all smug and I felt butterflies in my stomach. I believe he was the best thing that ever happened to me.

A month ago, I started coughing blood, I couldn’t speak as well as I used to and he thought I was doing drugs. Secretly behind his back.

After wild accusations, random events of amnesia and spending too much time in bed, he pulled the plug out of our relationship. How’s that for cynism?

@ 

I never tried to reach him afterwards, telling him of my cancer would only give him guilt and a fake responsibility of taking care for me until my last day. I didn’t need him, I needed to seize my days until the very last one. No more rules, just what I wanted to do.

@ 

I quit school, picked up drawing again, ate things I never tried, faked death, played with death, reconnected with nature, was happy, was down, depressed, devestated, euphoric, hugged strangers, gave away things I never needed, talked with strangers, went to parties, hangovers, be happy when the hangover was over. The more experiences I had, the more this curse turned into a blessing.

Only the fact that my blessing was an unknown visit from Death sometimes kept me down.

@ 

I’m standing in a field, with the clouds floating over my head, softly crying. I wish they were sharing my sorrow, but they’re not. Just as the soil starts getting wet and muddy, it’s all human to say it’s a metaphor. That the mud is representing me as a flow in this lifestream, getting detached from the hard ground. Moving to another destination.

bleep

bloob

blap

~epilogue~

optional ending

As I was standing in the field, a cold wind drifted up to me. It wasn’t raining harder, but it felt as if the drops started to feel heavier and heavier. Almost like hail. I heard footsteps behind me, flattening the tall grass, breaking the sticks.

I didn’t dare to turn my head, as I knew who it was. The footsteps stopped, a few feet away from me. The wind layed down, the rain didn’t feel as hard anymore. Everything was all right, except for my eyes. They cried.

The footsteps continued until they were behind me, someone hugged me.

“I don’t… I don’t…”

“It’s time to go, my dear”

“No… no! Not yet!”

“I know, honey. I know.”

As I sobbed and cried, time seemed to float by. There was no wind, no rain. No sound but siren songs.

Everything in its right place.